Came back here to my SHOE treetop cluttered up back room which is heinous and am sitting with one light bulb with some sun coming through the dirty 1962 window.

I have a library in my house because I am allergic to public libraries? And I wish I did NOT have all of these books … I guess? I am full of question … marks? Right? Eff it? I just had another birthday, and I’m feeling ooky just to realize that huge number is mine? I hope watching MSNBC pulls me outta the doldrums … which I doubt.

The disarray of the entire universe is disconcerting, but my monkey cat who drives me totally nuts made me laugh today. Sitting in windowsill, he grabbed my wadded up sandwich wrapper (tossed into what is left of my 1959 sink) in his mouth and gave me a look as I did him as well (a glare), and he gingerly dropped the paper wad like he knew better. I must be a simpleton because moments like that which also drive me wacko make me so tickled that I am glad I am alive for just a second! Isn’t that shameful?

“Thank God almighty; free at last” is my favorite MLK quote … even more than “I have been to the mountaintop!” But I HAVE been to the mountain BTW! And not literal mountains, except down south through the ages traveling to see kin who are always a mixed blessing. But mountains either in my mind or in front of me blocking the sun and communication or in towers of crap I always have hung onto and copies of email and columns that I can never figure out how to file and where? I seem to have always put my life on hold? The cynics might scoff at my remark, but it is the damned truth? Just scattershot always … yet I have barely ever moved an inch simultaneously … what an irony.

I am now a nervous, self-doubting bag of sh*t, I fear. Cannot get a thought across to anyone without crashing into the stereotypes that crazies seem to harbor about this gender or this age or whatever blocks progress, I have found. What to do? I felt strokey and heart attacky all of this past year …. been hurled adjectives at … chatting with occasional humans ever so tentatively until we go our own ways like zombies.

I do not seek advice only understanding just once in a while. As Frank Barone barks gruffly, “HOLY CRAP”! I would love to land somewhere and stroll easily from room to room and find something on tv besides pharmaceutical ads for the elderly … with side effects …. and scary “news of the day” and condescension and mean “humor” and tribal “games” amongst plastic people who just repeat the same claptrap to gain a political office and a free ride. I am doing my best to rise above heart palpitations and tears and anxiety because I remember what “fun” was and “hobbies” and laughter and organized households.

Fat chance I’ll ever get back to that miracle. Arghhh! Either this is a positive message or a negative one … psycho-babble drives me … NUTTIER! I honestly seldom have found my twin in a parallel universe. Somebody who “gets” it and offers a pat on the back! My son does that. Just wish I could have found him under a cabbage leaf or in a cabbage patch or however the myths try to reach us … stork, maybe? MSNBC so lame and gabby lately about nothing. I think Mueller is fictional and hiding in a cave BTW! Even Everybody Loves Raymond starting not to make me laugh as enthusiastically as I did … what a show … all the family members remind me of me! Ha! I have been accused of stream of consciousness thinking. I try to focus on the word CONSCIOUSNESS …. and ignore the insult … me and William Faulkner!

Life is a blur sometimes. I sat there and watched Harry and Meghan marry. Looked forward to her feminist statements to pop up? Not sure that those messages were very strong after all was said and done. Maybe her speech at her umpteenth reception might resonate with those of us who feel we might be people even though we are #MeToo victims?

Moments in the ceremony charmed me … but all in all I got confused by mixed messages. I do love horses, though, and would have appreciated not knowing that William and Harry’s soldier costumes were fashioned from doe skin? Damn? And I thought Prince Philip and Charles were animal enthusiasts? Not sure … hope so! Human pomp and circumstance and epaulets and swords and rifles and swagger do not seem very animal-oriented.

I still contend that appreciating animals would lead to peace and much improved human-animal relationships … even though I am not always that charmed by trying to fight humanity to help animals out these days … seems nobody’s home on that issue? But Indiana DID influence the “let us not trap and kill” bobcats, possums, raccoons and coyotes movement. Maybe there is hope for Hoosiers yet.

Well, back to the boob tube and Texas school shootings in American guncultureville and back to the Brits and a grand expenditure made across the pond and its attempts at going modern and inclusive and whatever.

And I am losing so much weight that I look like a skeleton in my pix. I hope I ain’t sick. I keep needing the next lower size blue jeans. As I said, this past year was the effing pits. Hoping I bounce back one of these days or there will be nothing left to embalm or bury. Let’s all have a nice day anyway?

I am thin PROBABLY because I experienced a solid year of Mickey Mouse/maddening human crap from zombies who neither mean well nor ill but just do not relate nor give a crap. Pretty sure of that. And when I figure out how to verbalize my either trivial or monumental experience batting my noggin against the stubborn clueless human race, I shall be dubbed Louisa May Alcott and win laurels for my poofy book which does not offend anybody but does educate a little.

I have yet to learn how to manipulate thinking … thinking being the operative word. I am too clammed up these days, and my heart is muffled and that has made me thin. And doctors just exacerbate what a human should figure out at home for themselves? But I appreciate concern. But I self-diagnosed, and I know that it is tough to remember to eat while my soul is quaking and my heart is being broken into teensy bits. And that did happen. And I am almost adjusted to people being crappy to each other because it is the way of the world. The wedding, the faux feminism, PBS’ Little Women, a night with Steve Martin and Martin Short in Fort Wayne, my son Roy, one of my astute cats – all – provided this past week-end of sheer joy … and now the prom is over.

The liberal pundits are boring my ass off again today. They have nothing to add. A gunman shot out again because guns exist in this icky world and there is nothing to watch on my boob tube. I hope I finally clean my house and throw stuff away and move on with life. Wish me luck. And I am glad I that I have less weight to carry around on my knees that got shot out from under me during forced phys ed. I coulda been Leslie Caron if left alone! I am one of a kind, except for my other self in a parallel universe … wonder how she (that other me) is doing and if marriage is such an artificial concept in that universe, too?

At least a “partner” can change the litter boxes on off-years and sort of balance a checkbook? Jesus … tired of it all … and need to change direction and have fun with my life and the junk acquired and the pets underfoot and such joys to be enjoyed. I am a transcendentalist I am pretty sure … prayer means trying to reach your innermost core and reason with yourself … and God is in every tree and every animal and every human and every child after all. Try never to fail to look in the correct spots for evidence of God (?) or whatever word might fit that need instead and more accurately … I think?

Signed: Susie Teresa who looked after everybody in a half-assed way and still is and why I do that I do not know.